(Been gone for a while)

Imagine, coming home with a new haircut, something you like.
Shaved sides, spiked up.

Domestic helper, yes, whom hardly deserves any form of respect right now, maid, came in to my room, and said??? "Disgusting."

Days ago, she muttered under her breath, "Fucking lesbians.."

Few days ago.

Parents asked me.

Every single they word they said just took me by surprise.

“What is this, “love” thing I’m hearing about.”

“Are you, or not?”

“I do not wish for you or my daughter to follow and go down such a path cause you do not deserve it.”

Etc.

Every word, I listened, of course. And I do admit that the fact that they’ve have come to such a realisation despite due to my own actions but mostly due to bloody third parties who have no bloody right to speak a bloody word.

Despite my dad’s constant shouting and my mum’s calm yet stern words, I do understand that every single thing they say is for my own good and cause they love me. As in, which parent wouldn’t be worried?

Throughout the whole 45 minutes, every single word my mum said was so true. From how I was from a young kid to me today and my character. Every word she spoke was as though she was so close to me, as though I’ve been telling her all my troubles despite me trying to keep my distance.

“Your character doesn’t deserve to be eroded or destroyed by another be it through restriction or under influence.”

“You do not deserve to have any heartache and do not want you to regret when you feel hurt.”

“I know my kids very well and out of the three of you, you are the most emotional one, who cares most bout others and is extremely kind hearted who places others before yourself. And of course, highly dependent on human interaction.”

“I do not want to hear anymore quarrelling.”

“Ruth, trust me, it may seem as though I do not know much, but honestly? I know a lot more than I seem to know. I just choose not to scold you or reprimand you for it.”

Her somewhat exact words.

And of course many others.

My parents talked to me being a better kid and what not, and when my mum told me once again bout how much she misses that “sweet and kind, cute daughter” (quote her) of hers, it really made my heart clench and hurt to a certain extent. I felt so horrible and it made me think why I chose to keep my distance since years ago.

Then the whole thought and recalling of my unsuccessful attempts of trying to talk to her bout my friendship problems when I was way younger. And everytime I was on the verge of crying bout my friend issues? She would tell me,
“At the end of the day, you should never care cause its always gonna be you and when you grow older, youll figure out how you only have yourself to depend on. No one else.” 
And being that stupid, immature small kid I once were, I never understood. But today? Being a lot older, matured and all. It finally hit me that her words do indeed make sense.

All this while she has been trying to connect with me emotionally, especially after my sis going overseas to study, I’ve been hurting her over and over again yet she kept it all inside of her.

And today, she protected me by helping me prevent being bombarded by fucked up questions by one of the peeps who exposed me.. and worse. Shes related in my family tree.

I do love my mum. And alike to the young me, extremely protective over her and her words to matter to me.

However, mum. I do love you and I will definitely listen to your words and heed your advice but when it comes to you telling me  "not to go down this route”, “never going to be a man”, “that you (I) have girl genes” and your offers “to buy you (me) pretty dresses or skirts whenever I want them”. I’m sorry mum, this is me and its not exactly something that can change overnight. But I definitely will keep my promises bout being a better kid.

Why so? I can’t keep away from this girl. Be who I am. Who I like.

And whoever asks me why so?

Tell the day you are in my shoes, are in my place. You’ll never understand.

But for now, lets imagine you are me.

Till that day you actually get to see

The thought of how it all started off when I heard bout her, till that night, waiting hours despite how late it was and her hardly even knowing me. The constant texting and blushing….. Till today, the exchanging of words of love and glances as we signal to one another bout the weirdest things.

Till the day you see from my eyes, that beautiful girl standing right infront of me. How much I just love her eyes and the way your eyes literally sparkle whenever she sees me. How much I adore her weird behaviour, be it giving her most spastic of behaviours to the literally lamest, and even lamer than your truly’s (yeah, that’s how bad it is!) own actions. How much my heart melts whenever she gives me her puppy dog eyes whenever she pisses the hell out of me or perhaps late for a date. How the feeling of her arms around me whenever I feel upset, scared or stressed just makes me feel so safe and know that I’m not alone. And of course, the feeling of her in arms just leaving me never wanting to let go and progress by attempting to carry her and lift her off the ground while shes left that wailing and screaming for me to let her down. How the feeling of her fingers intertwining with my own just makes me happy and urging to pull her close and just hug her till she can’t breathe and is left gasping for air like a helpless goldfish or sometimes pull her towards me as she twirls like one of those dancers and into my arms. How she knows whenever I feel upset or stressed and ruffles my hair and massages the back of my neck to help me relax. How she makes me laugh and smile on the most depressing of days with her weird ways and “sizist and witty” humour. How she tries to “force” me to get back in touch with my Disney and oldies side by introducing me nothing but Disney and oldies despite her amazing taste in fast beat music. How she never fails to surprise me whenever we go out be it to disturb me or cheer me up with the pre-buying me of gong cha on a sad day. How she is constantly coming up with the craziest and cutest nicknames for me, leaving us both laughing at how absurd they are while I attempt to retaliate with sad and pathetic ones. How she actually stands my weird cheesy humour and constant pick up lines with her asking if I found them on google. How she actually does laugh at my sad jokes and drawings of bug-eyed people. How she anticipates my kisses and sometimes even the weirdest of things such as farts whenever we are poking fun at one another. How she literally adores Edna Mode to such an extent shes actually deliberately imitating her via the webcam just to help me de-stress while mimicing her voice and actions accurately.

Etc.

To the slightest of details such as..

How her nose crinkles and wiggles like a bunny whenever shes sleeping. How she has the cutest of sneezes that literally goes “ha-chI!” (high pitced). How her eye twitches and her voice going a tone higher as she goes, “really?!?” with her spastic face whenever I disturb her. How she twitches in her sleep. How her smile progresses from a bite of the lip, to the half smile to the full smile whenever I tell her I love her. How she sometimes struts unconsciously whenever she walks due to walking lessons when she was hunger. How she is constantly quoting the movie, “White Chicks” in her every day life. How she never fails to reach out and touch a pillow that we may have walked past. How her eyes would become LARGE and grin extremely “pervert-ically” whenever she sees a “vertically challenged kid and exclaim how “fat” and “cute” he or she may be. How she makes sure the pillow is always under the bolster when she is sitting up but the opposite when she sleeps.

Etc.

And till the day you know how amazing it is to have sleepovers with that girl. The feeling of your arm around them and holding them close before slumber. That feeling of knowing that they will be safe in your arms and knowing that they are alright. That ability to see her breathing slowly with her stress-free and oily face when you wake up before she does. That ability to stay up all night laughing and freaking out at movies.

How she actually tells you she wants it all to work out. How she tries her best to do whatever she can to make sure I'm alright. How she cries whenever I cry. How she does take effort to fill up all the loopholes in our relationship.

How would you know if you can trust someone? That can be judged through how whenever you reach your hand out backwards and walk on, you KNOW for a fact that that person would grab on to it and walk along with you.

Yes she has her flaws and attributes which I may not like and love totally, but still. Its her imperfections that make her perfect in my eyes.

Hence so, I am making such a choice today.
How could I be so sure?
Its just that constant want inside of you wanting to keep her safe and make sure shes alright, that makes me positive of such a choice.

---
Right now, words echo in my head. Words I swear, I would never forget.
Lost for words and unsure of how to find them to shape it into words understandable to the human ear.

Goodnight.