bleagh. Havent blogged for a while now but have moved to tumblr :/

I'm sorry blogger, despite your increase in benefits, the ability to store so many of the moving gifs is just too.. tempting and alluring ):

sooo... moved once again? :/

http://tamingofzeshroom.tumblr.com/

  Respect this guy to the fullest.

 
Just shoot a bullet through my brain.

gonna be a loser and take this like a tumblr for a while.

All I hear are words of hurt.
They stab, they cut, and they bruise.
I hold my breath and try my best to listen on,
yet I cannot bring myself to.
Hence I cut the only channel from your voice to my ears,
And look away.

--

“What am I to you?”
“A clown. One who entertains.”

A clown. An entertainer.
One to do anything,
anything just to hear cheers from the crowd.
Their cheers and laughter all supposedly build who I am.
Expectations?
To fall and stumble whenever the ring master ordered me to.
To do the stupidest and most idiotic of things just to get attention.
To make a fool of myself just for the pleasure of others.
What am I to you, a fool?
A mere fool who slams pie in my face?
Watching thousands of people laugh and some jeering,
I smeared it alongside with the heavy makeup across my face.

And then.
There you stood among the crowd,
A face who belonged to no ordinary person, it was you.
You stood out as you ate a fluff of pink cotton candy.
You were beautiful, one of a kind.
Finally, your eyes met mine.
I gave a distorted smile as the makeup left me hideous.
You saw nothing but the smeared make up and took me like the rest.

“Pathetic, another attention seeker. Entertain.. is all you’ll ever do.”,
you muttered under your breath.

I couldn’t read your lips.
you were too far away.
The makeup had blurred my vision.
Clouded. That’s how it was.
It stung as it came into contact with my eyes,
yet throughout, I took effort to force it open,
wanting to see her so badly.

During that period of pain,
I kept looking and never left your gaze.
Here I stood as a hideous beast thinking to myself,
She knew.
When she looked at me,
She, knew who I was. What kind of person I am.
I felt, as though you could read past everything and see,
That the smile on my face is just a façade.
“See past it please.”
I crossed my fingers.
“See the hurt within my heart. Erase the smile drawn on my face and just hold me tight.”

The blurred figure shook her head.
She left.

That’s when I knew, she didn’t know me as much as I thought she would.

Forever in her mind,
I would be engraved as THAT clown she saw.
The entertainer like the rest.

Let me get something straight. If you were to think my previous post is due to my "inferior" behaviour. Let me clear it out for you.

Such words are typed based on hurt, betrayal and others that I cannot even comprehend.

My head hurts, My heart hurts, Dead tired. So much work, fear.
Yet still forcing myself awake to watch a movie, opened and already loaded.

Forget it. Close it all, close your eyes.

I love you too much till my heart aches.
I love you till I wake up everyday thinking bout how much I need to accomplish for you.
I love you till the extent I would do anything, make whatever arrangements just to see you.
I love you till the extent your name is spoken in every conversation I have with the people I know. People I don’t even know, know how much you mean to me.
How much I smile at the mention of your name.

“Do you honestly think you have a future with this girl?”

“Yes, I do.”
“When you were younger, do you remember when you said you would always end up marrying a guy?”

“Yeah. So? Im happy with her, and she and I are always talking about houses and sleeping late nights while watching movies in our own home. Just her and I. I miss her so..”

Now, I’m thinking.

The words you say and said.

Don’t know who I am to you?
Don’t know why you are in this god forsaken relationship?
Tell you its your choice whenever YOU ask me if I want to break up?
Tell me you feel angry and annoyed looking at my face?
Constantly wondering if I love you despite me crying right before you?
Me giving in yet you can end the night screaming at me and saying such fucking hurtful words no one would ever hear?
Me constantly trying to accept and move on yet you constantly comparing and reminding me?
And every time after the most hurtful of fights, you say one sorry, sometimes even more genuinely and my heart turns soft for you and I forgive you immediately.

Inferiority complex? All those curses?
Want me to memorize it like a biblical verse?

I will. Thank you.

Thank you for all you’ve given me. Want to leave, walk out.
Awww. Your sweetheart calling? And another truth, you’ve been hiding from me? Then replied, pick up. Don’t even call me back. Don’t you ever tell you love me, or the slightest bit, tell me you’ve ever believed a word I said.

Changed, shaped, moved on, learn to accept, carry these burdens with you with not a complain in the world.

Yet you turn around and just remain ungrateful and bring yourself to say hurtful words back at me.

You are one of a hell amazing girl.
Look, theres a whole line waiting for you.
Perhaps I don’t deserve to be with thy highness.
They are calling, can’t you hear them?
Screaming words of loyalty, promises, marriage, happiness.
You turn and scream at them to go away,
At night when we lay next to one another,
 You speak only words of love to me, and only me.
Yet when the clock strikes midnight,
You look at me with dark eyes and speak of others.
What sorcery is this I ask.

I may be a person of a great inferior problem.
But I am a person who mean my words and stand for what I believe.
Don't believe? It is YOUR choice, not mine to feed you and elixir and eventually have your brainwashed to the ways I want it to be.

Silence takes the role of the murderer as the heart becomes its helpless victim.

Each word takes effort, force.
Something so simple becomes alike to hard labour.
Every movement made by the mouth,

takes the strength of a thousand men.
Every movement of the thumb,
takes the strength of a million men.
The efforts and strength left to keep the heart beating.

“Don’t let it stop!”
Is all they would shout.

The sweat, blood and tears shed,
all to make sure it would never stop.
To make sure that its wounds were healed.

If there were to be wounds and holes around the heart,
there would be no flow of blood.
there would be no beat.

Not a “thump” would be heard.

 

I can’t seem to type or say anything but just cough out a few words.
I may not be the smartest person around.
Nor may I make the awesome-st of decisions.
But theres one thing I cannot stand.
A partner who may have done things.

I’m recalling every single word I read, saw. I’m no idiot.
I’m someone who will never let go for the past.

Forgiveness can be made, but I can never forget.

I can force it out. Push it away.
But it will eventually come back.

Someone please give me a hug.
My heart and head hurts.

I judge. Everyone does, hence I will not deny.
Nor will I deny that I'm wrong. But not the words today but long ago, are hitting me hard.

I don't want to talk but sit here, blast music into my ears as it drowns every single thing out.

How much more judgemental can the world get.

Recently, my whole bloody family tree succeeded in finding and viewing my photos on facebook for some weird reason despite privating my settings and not even being friends with them.

My grandparents have been talking and gossiping bout offensive things bout me.

Please. People, leave me alone. Please.

Everyday I walk home, I do not bother looking into the eyes of my maid due to the anger which I would honestly never appease. And walking past my grandparents house which is directly opposite mine, leaves me feeling like a bloody criminal.

Just feeling so damn cautious bout facebook now and my parents asking me to take down all the photos. And yes, these photos ALL seen by my bloody nosey aunts and uncles and parents…

I am extremely grateful to my mum for talking to me patiently and a lot more emotionally recently. And my dad for at least respecting my decision when I refused to show him my account. Grateful and love them.

Of all ways, this is the WORST way for my parents finding out. Despite such a day eventually coming one way or another, why now.

And to add salt to the wound? Someone shouted something somewhat offensive when I walked by with my friends. And AMAZINGLY, its all linked to that ONE SAME TOPIC.

Why all so sudden, seriously..
Went back to them and asked them if they called me and they just looked at me and said no. Rolled my eyes and walked off.
DUDES. LOOK. I acknowledge the name you called me, but firstly, DARE SAY IT TO ME FIRST. IF NOT? That gives you NO FUCKING RIGHT to disrespect me.
Have such amazing guts to shout it out so loudly? Good, SAY IT TO MY FACE.
Can’t be bothered..

At home, feeling so awkward all round but just trying to move on. Walking past my house leaves me feeling as though I’m being watched. And now, inclusive of the boundaries of school. Theres a never ending process of judgements being made.
And heard some things form babe today which happened a long time ago. The amount of harshness and insensitive things people can actually do leaves my heart feeling so heavy.
Most importantly, how much she went through and without telling (which was most prob for the better during that time as I wouldn’t have been able to take it) me, makes me feeling so much anger and regret for not being able to have been there for her especially when it was regarding us both.
If only I could just turn back time.

Can’t seem to bring myself to start on my work since this afternoon. Feeling a little disturbed by everything. Need to snap out of this but just can’t seem to focus right now at home till an extent of not even being in the mood to study math. (As geeky as that may sound)

Every little part of today left me nostalgic for the weirdest of reasons.
My buds from secondary school. Would they have been there?

For now,
Move on.

Feeling the down-est of moods of the moment.

Mark today, 2nd October, as being a total ass. I take the blame and responsibility of such.

Today started off well and pretty alive in consideration of having bout bout 9 hours of sleep last night.

She asked me to be more affection and let go of all my frustration. To kiss her before we left. I couldn't, yet stood there being cold and stern as I replied with short responses and with a heavy heart.

And before leaving, I couldn't give her one proper kiss. Being in my school uni and every head turned towards me, I couldn't cause I knew for a fact, if I did, school issues would definitely surface. But still..

Yes, I am a jerk. And I can just sense the smses or words going,

"OMG. She's such a bitch, don't be with her....."
"OMG. You deserve SO MUCH better..."
" It just means blah blah blah, she doesn't love you, blah blah.."

Yeah yeah. I got it. Honestly, yes I may be an ass but I do have my reasons.
For one, everyone knows how I am and how I am hardly ever going to carry out such behaviour.

Just.
Imagine, you are about to sit for a major exam, getting back results which ain't exactly the best or even applicable to go into any University despite studying pretty hard in certain subjects.

She tells me her problems, I do my best to address them, of course.

But then, its not as though she doesn't trust me, or doesn't believe in us, but feels upset due to reasons which I can definitely relate to and of course, understandable about. But somehow, no matter what I do, it seems as though it will never be enough.

Not only am I beginning to feel frustrated from having to address such an issue, but also the thought of how, of even the slightest possibility, can someone feel stressed during their holidays. Perhaps she's worried for me. Hence, I cannot blame her and knowing how much she cares, I can't. But just, it begins to become frustrating.
Additionally, adding on? The constant burden upon my shoulders everyday when I wake up, my stupid regrets which I am pushing away bout not going to poly when I talk to my friends who went from jc to poly, that fear of not being able to do well enough and settling things with my parents.

And somehow, even if I push everything away, the words I heard makes me start to wonder.
Call me idioitic and irrational.
But why are you still standing here next to me.
This burden is definitely gonna last. Let alone months, years in the future.

Wouldn't you prefer someone with better financial power? More time? More affectionate? Someone who has similar thoughts as you, preferences - time / beliefs / all you want.
Then I think, be it with or without someone else, judging the long queue waiting for you.
Why are you being with this "thing" no one can ever take seriously.

You can tell me you love me, that you always want. But knowing how you and I are. I can't seem to let this frustration go just at a snap of one's fingers.

I'm so frustrated and with this pent up sadness and fear, I don't know how to respond, react. Cause somehow, somewhere inside of me seems so fixed and confident that you wouldn't have to endure all of this if not for me. The stupid clashing in timetables, seeing one another, rules - strict etc.

Yes, being this hard and "tough" facade is me feeling extremely insecure and fearful that one day you would feel perhaps bored or just walk away.
Still. I stand firm about what I said above.

Feeling extremely lost and upset and don't know what else to say.

Closing my eyes? I feel a black storm cloud floating above my head while my heart feels so heavy.

--

Sigh. Need to get all of that out of my chest and just "penned" down.

Please award me with the most idiotic person of the year right now. Or something, I don't know.

Really need to start work and focusing but can't seem too.
And to add salt to the wound, hear my parents quarreling extremely badly downstairs. Feeling alot of fear especially without my sister not in the house anymore.

Hearing loud screamings and throwing of things. I don't know what to do.
Just switched off the lights and just hope all of this would fade away. Just eventually fade away.

Both parties suffering as we speak.

Both hearts aching, 

having nothing else to say.

Both pierced deeply as though stabbed with a dagger.

One pierced with hurt and agony.

With the other pierced with confusion and sadness.

Neither party speaks a word.

Or so, shut them away and speak no more.

For tonight must be one without screaming, one without fights.

As these nights filled with hatred, blood and gore.

Shut your eyes and close them tight.

Don't run yet try to forget those words echoing in your head.

"Never, Forever and always love"," Ashamed..", "Deserve better.." , "Worst.."

Then comes the silence.

Please speak no more.

It hurts.

(Been gone for a while)

Imagine, coming home with a new haircut, something you like.
Shaved sides, spiked up.

Domestic helper, yes, whom hardly deserves any form of respect right now, maid, came in to my room, and said??? "Disgusting."

Days ago, she muttered under her breath, "Fucking lesbians.."

Few days ago.

Parents asked me.

Every single they word they said just took me by surprise.

“What is this, “love” thing I’m hearing about.”

“Are you, or not?”

“I do not wish for you or my daughter to follow and go down such a path cause you do not deserve it.”

Etc.

Every word, I listened, of course. And I do admit that the fact that they’ve have come to such a realisation despite due to my own actions but mostly due to bloody third parties who have no bloody right to speak a bloody word.

Despite my dad’s constant shouting and my mum’s calm yet stern words, I do understand that every single thing they say is for my own good and cause they love me. As in, which parent wouldn’t be worried?

Throughout the whole 45 minutes, every single word my mum said was so true. From how I was from a young kid to me today and my character. Every word she spoke was as though she was so close to me, as though I’ve been telling her all my troubles despite me trying to keep my distance.

“Your character doesn’t deserve to be eroded or destroyed by another be it through restriction or under influence.”

“You do not deserve to have any heartache and do not want you to regret when you feel hurt.”

“I know my kids very well and out of the three of you, you are the most emotional one, who cares most bout others and is extremely kind hearted who places others before yourself. And of course, highly dependent on human interaction.”

“I do not want to hear anymore quarrelling.”

“Ruth, trust me, it may seem as though I do not know much, but honestly? I know a lot more than I seem to know. I just choose not to scold you or reprimand you for it.”

Her somewhat exact words.

And of course many others.

My parents talked to me being a better kid and what not, and when my mum told me once again bout how much she misses that “sweet and kind, cute daughter” (quote her) of hers, it really made my heart clench and hurt to a certain extent. I felt so horrible and it made me think why I chose to keep my distance since years ago.

Then the whole thought and recalling of my unsuccessful attempts of trying to talk to her bout my friendship problems when I was way younger. And everytime I was on the verge of crying bout my friend issues? She would tell me,
“At the end of the day, you should never care cause its always gonna be you and when you grow older, youll figure out how you only have yourself to depend on. No one else.” 
And being that stupid, immature small kid I once were, I never understood. But today? Being a lot older, matured and all. It finally hit me that her words do indeed make sense.

All this while she has been trying to connect with me emotionally, especially after my sis going overseas to study, I’ve been hurting her over and over again yet she kept it all inside of her.

And today, she protected me by helping me prevent being bombarded by fucked up questions by one of the peeps who exposed me.. and worse. Shes related in my family tree.

I do love my mum. And alike to the young me, extremely protective over her and her words to matter to me.

However, mum. I do love you and I will definitely listen to your words and heed your advice but when it comes to you telling me  "not to go down this route”, “never going to be a man”, “that you (I) have girl genes” and your offers “to buy you (me) pretty dresses or skirts whenever I want them”. I’m sorry mum, this is me and its not exactly something that can change overnight. But I definitely will keep my promises bout being a better kid.

Why so? I can’t keep away from this girl. Be who I am. Who I like.

And whoever asks me why so?

Tell the day you are in my shoes, are in my place. You’ll never understand.

But for now, lets imagine you are me.

Till that day you actually get to see

The thought of how it all started off when I heard bout her, till that night, waiting hours despite how late it was and her hardly even knowing me. The constant texting and blushing….. Till today, the exchanging of words of love and glances as we signal to one another bout the weirdest things.

Till the day you see from my eyes, that beautiful girl standing right infront of me. How much I just love her eyes and the way your eyes literally sparkle whenever she sees me. How much I adore her weird behaviour, be it giving her most spastic of behaviours to the literally lamest, and even lamer than your truly’s (yeah, that’s how bad it is!) own actions. How much my heart melts whenever she gives me her puppy dog eyes whenever she pisses the hell out of me or perhaps late for a date. How the feeling of her arms around me whenever I feel upset, scared or stressed just makes me feel so safe and know that I’m not alone. And of course, the feeling of her in arms just leaving me never wanting to let go and progress by attempting to carry her and lift her off the ground while shes left that wailing and screaming for me to let her down. How the feeling of her fingers intertwining with my own just makes me happy and urging to pull her close and just hug her till she can’t breathe and is left gasping for air like a helpless goldfish or sometimes pull her towards me as she twirls like one of those dancers and into my arms. How she knows whenever I feel upset or stressed and ruffles my hair and massages the back of my neck to help me relax. How she makes me laugh and smile on the most depressing of days with her weird ways and “sizist and witty” humour. How she tries to “force” me to get back in touch with my Disney and oldies side by introducing me nothing but Disney and oldies despite her amazing taste in fast beat music. How she never fails to surprise me whenever we go out be it to disturb me or cheer me up with the pre-buying me of gong cha on a sad day. How she is constantly coming up with the craziest and cutest nicknames for me, leaving us both laughing at how absurd they are while I attempt to retaliate with sad and pathetic ones. How she actually stands my weird cheesy humour and constant pick up lines with her asking if I found them on google. How she actually does laugh at my sad jokes and drawings of bug-eyed people. How she anticipates my kisses and sometimes even the weirdest of things such as farts whenever we are poking fun at one another. How she literally adores Edna Mode to such an extent shes actually deliberately imitating her via the webcam just to help me de-stress while mimicing her voice and actions accurately.

Etc.

To the slightest of details such as..

How her nose crinkles and wiggles like a bunny whenever shes sleeping. How she has the cutest of sneezes that literally goes “ha-chI!” (high pitced). How her eye twitches and her voice going a tone higher as she goes, “really?!?” with her spastic face whenever I disturb her. How she twitches in her sleep. How her smile progresses from a bite of the lip, to the half smile to the full smile whenever I tell her I love her. How she sometimes struts unconsciously whenever she walks due to walking lessons when she was hunger. How she is constantly quoting the movie, “White Chicks” in her every day life. How she never fails to reach out and touch a pillow that we may have walked past. How her eyes would become LARGE and grin extremely “pervert-ically” whenever she sees a “vertically challenged kid and exclaim how “fat” and “cute” he or she may be. How she makes sure the pillow is always under the bolster when she is sitting up but the opposite when she sleeps.

Etc.

And till the day you know how amazing it is to have sleepovers with that girl. The feeling of your arm around them and holding them close before slumber. That feeling of knowing that they will be safe in your arms and knowing that they are alright. That ability to see her breathing slowly with her stress-free and oily face when you wake up before she does. That ability to stay up all night laughing and freaking out at movies.

How she actually tells you she wants it all to work out. How she tries her best to do whatever she can to make sure I'm alright. How she cries whenever I cry. How she does take effort to fill up all the loopholes in our relationship.

How would you know if you can trust someone? That can be judged through how whenever you reach your hand out backwards and walk on, you KNOW for a fact that that person would grab on to it and walk along with you.

Yes she has her flaws and attributes which I may not like and love totally, but still. Its her imperfections that make her perfect in my eyes.

Hence so, I am making such a choice today.
How could I be so sure?
Its just that constant want inside of you wanting to keep her safe and make sure shes alright, that makes me positive of such a choice.

---
Right now, words echo in my head. Words I swear, I would never forget.
Lost for words and unsure of how to find them to shape it into words understandable to the human ear.

Goodnight.

 

Prelims right now and havent had been feeling too good for the past few days. And of course, guilty as well. Why so? Mr procrastination succeeded in luring me into his clutches of "slothfulness".

Sigh. Feeling extremely heavy hearted at the moment and in alot of pain due to cramps.. urgh.

Whatever it may be, just got to hang in there for a few more days and just make up for all the lacked sleep in just 3 days. Come on, just 3 more days Ruth.

Then the following week, no more procrastination, and with, hopefully, full engines running.

The worlds such a huge place.
You try to face it courageously.
Yet. Always..
The different faces snarling and mocking you.
Despite such,
you continue walking and keep your head held high.
They begin to throw rocks at you,
leaving you bruised as you attempt to walk away from them.
Still, you keep your head high,
quickening your pace as you just want to get away.
Their physical hurt turn emotional as they start laughing at you.
Pointing. Jeering. Heartless laughing.
Afraid, you just keep walking,
putting on a strong facade to prevent revealing your vulnerability.

Suddenly, you feel yourself falling..
Falling onto a chair as you are in a room of pitch darkness.
Dark and lonely,
with nothing but a light shining down above your head,
giving you all the company you need.

..
"Who are you."
"What do you want to be."
"Why are you doing what you are doing."
"Where do you think you can go at such a pathetic state."
"Do you honestly think you can go far with this?"
"You are inferior."

The voices don't stop talking. They never do.
No physical beings, just voices.
Thats how they always appear to be.
You hear them. Be it from your head or from them themselves,
but never touchable. Never stoppable.

You remain in the darkness, clutching your head in despair.
Finally, you lower your head.
Begging to the voices to just leave you alone.

-
The darkness symbolises vulnerability. Not know whats around you, not knowing what is infront or behind you or anything being visible to the naked eye.

The voices lacking its physical beings symbolise the helplessness of the individual and the incapability to run away from them. Additionally, personified as shown to having a somewhat similar human trait of walking along with the "hopeless individual" and ability to move and throw objects.

Always there, but never touchable as the individual is left unable to make any change to the situation as the "voice" is not within a suitable distance to be touched or punched in the face in any way.

Surviving.

 

Perfection.
What exactly is the definition of such an extraordinary word?
Ah. There you see,
we would have never thought of it as “extraordinary”, would we?
Okay, perhaps you with the mickey mouse hat might have thought it,
but back to where we were..
Why so?
It is not as bombastic as other words such as … (you name it)
But then, that’s the art of its simplistic complication.
Maybe I make no sense here, but think.

Perfection.
What exactly, IS “perfection”?
There is no specific definition for the word.
Search it up on the dictionary,
“the condition, state, or quality of being free or as free as possible from all flaws or defects”
But, what EXACTLY, is its definition.
Whoever made this word?
You, my friend, have my utmost respects.

For such an ordinary word, is out of the ordinary.

Next step. Disappointment.
Now, this is when the complication turns even more bizarre and unknown to the human race.

If only.
There would be no complication but just plain simplicity.
Mere images of black and white.

Somehow. My shoulders are feeling heavier and heavier as each day passes by..
So drained..

The picture above says it all.

Sometimes I'm left wondering what would happen if I actually did, choose the other academic route instead of backing up last minute..
Would life be a lot more tough than it is? Or would it be more enjoyable due to interest and a more relaxed lifestyle during the holidays?
But yet, as they always say..
"The grass is much greener on the other side."

And fact is? We are on THIS patch of grass, so shut up. Eat it like a cow and work like one >:(

 Up and barely awake..
Trying to catch up on at least a considerable amount of studying to make up for the past few days of "no studying" due to the fever and staying in bed..
And feeling even worse right now cause my baby fell ill after coming over yesterday to take care of me.. sigh.
Hope she gets well soon ):

Tomorrow she'll be coming over and it will be my turn taking care of her. Sigh. Worried sick. Gonna make my bed early tomorrow, make it presentable just for her and move my desk nearer to my bed so she won't be alone while I'm studying.
Even so, at least I'll physically be in reaching distance to tend to her when shes coughing badly or in need of any assistance.
I owe this girl, BIG time ):

Back to work ):
Peace.

The words echo as though alike to a curse.
"Attitude… Hatred… Don't love you…"
The whispering continues.
"Stupid… Behave like a child… Gave you everything…"
These whispers emerge from pitch darkness.
"Disappointment… Don't tell you anything…"
These words accompanied with heavy sighs and unclear mutterings.
Slowly, these words turn from hatred and anger to insecurity, hurt.
"Scared… Afraid…"
The voice tries to put on a brave front as it sniggers with pride.
But yet.
The voice begins to quaver.
"Don't want to be second."

Little does that voice know, how it would never be second.
Little does that voice know, how much it is loved.
Little does that voice know, how much unnecessary burden it is placing upon itself.
Little does that voice know, how much I love you.

 

I feel HUN-GARY ):
someone help me ): I CANNOT stop eating ):

Prelims are coming up and have bee really ill for the past few days which isn't exactly the best thing that should ever happen when the all dreaded prelims, are approaching. sigh.

Have been lacking motivation but its time to get back to work and action.

So much have been happening recently and it really makes one think.

From Shakespeare's As You Like It, 1600:

JAQUES:
All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages. At first the infant,
Mewling and puking in the nurse's arms.
And then the whining school-boy, with his satchel
And shining morning face, creeping like snail
Unwillingly to school. And then the lover,
Sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad
Made to his mistress' eyebrow. Then a soldier,
Full of strange oaths and bearded like the pard,
Jealous in honour, sudden and quick in quarrel,
Seeking the bubble reputation
Even in the cannon's mouth. And then the justice,
In fair round belly with good capon lined,
With eyes severe and beard of formal cut,
Full of wise saws and modern instances;
And so he plays his part. The sixth age shifts
Into the lean and slipper'd pantaloon,
With spectacles on nose and pouch on side,
His youthful hose, well saved, a world too wide
For his shrunk shank; and his big manly voice,
Turning again toward childish treble, pipes
And whistles in his sound. Last scene of all,
That ends this strange eventful history,
Is second childishness and mere oblivion,
Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything.

Full respect for Shakespeare.

Mind boggled from a dream.


ARNKFDNJDSFOIJFDIONSVNOHR)I#JPR#WMKLJPE)JDFLMDSLKJAW...
Yup, thats all thats going through my mind at the moment and the past few days when it SHOULD be..

"DUDE. Do your work, prelims this friday, COME ON. FOCUS!"
hence the image of thee productively and dilligently doing my work in my room.

But no.
Okay, I sound loony now.
Basically.
Got to focus and concentrate..
Just a few more days till first paper and feeling so scared. Shall just do my best and hopefully improve.

All this pent up frustrations and anger for all the unknown reasons shall be pushed aside at the moment. And perhaps settle them soon.

This fear of not being able to do or achieve anythings consuming me literally, as a whole. Got to slap myself out of this pathetic state and get back to work. Haven't exactly been feeling in the right state of mind recently and can't afford to be distracted any longer. This feeling, of waking up every single morning with dread and weight on your shoulders. Needs to be extinguished.

Lastly.
Need to learn how to just not give a damn and just move on in life.

Just.
Awesome.

Sort your thoughts out.

Please.

Someone just kill me. Please.
I don't feel like me. I don't feel like living anymore.
I'm beginning to yearn for death. Silence.
No more emotion. No more pain. No more happiness.
I don't even know what is what anymore.

I'm so lost.

For once. Stop the hitting, stop the shouting.
Just hold me and tell me how much you love me.
Tell me you've sorted your thoughts out.
Tell me you know what you want.
Tell me you aren't against me.
Cause all I see is pure hatred.


What the hell is this.
Enemies I see?
Enemies of which I know not of.
Unfamiliar faces who have supposedly heard the worst of me.
How is this even possible.
Dudes and dudettes, dont judge me till you know me.

What the hell is this madness. Absurdity. Pure absurdity.

Here I am.
My shirts torn apart.
Arms scarred and bruised.

My hands throbbing.

My heart and body aches.

My worlds spinning.

Why am I back here.
I can't seem to walk away.

Deleted a post. Gone.

Im fustrated.

For once, look at what you and I have done.
Yes I have wronged.

But seriously. Let me cut it all down to a short summary.

Those "torturous" months?
Ive been up with you. Those late, sleepless nights. I didn't mind.
In fact, I was happy to be clearing your worries, doubts.
I assured you the same thing over and over again. I just wanted to assure you, make you see.
Everyday, I asked you, "Hey, talk to me. Make me understand. I am worried."
You said nothing. Or? Dont want to tell me.

Then months later? "I feel distant from you." Ouch. Right straight in the heart.

You keep portraying it as though I didnt give a damn bout you.
Please, get it right.

I am sorry for being busy with my work and not as free as one would enjoy.
But still. I have been doing whatever I can.
That I assure you.

Talk to me. You talk to the world. Not a word to me.
Why? Cause they don't argue.
Of course they won't. No one would know whats going on unless they either have both sides of the story or just, one of us.


What is the definition of arguing.
Arguing is NOT trying to clarify what is the truth and what is the factual thing that is going on.

For example.
"You killed someone."
"No, I did not."

Thats NOT arguing. Its clarifying.

Im frustrated that our whole relationship is going down based on this redundant subject.

What would you prefer, lies?
I am sorry but I can't.

And another thing which I would loveee so very much to speak of right now. But I am holding it in. Not here. Not now.
No more lies. Please.

My head hurts like hell lots and bout to leave for dinner.

Honestly, do I even mean anything to you?

If you keep seeing the worst in me when I honestly being concerned. I really dont know what to do. What to say to even make you believe me.

If you are thinking in your head at this very moment,
"This is YOUR fault."

Listen to me. At least I make up for them. Stand for what I say and honestly, being who I am. I'm too soft towards you.

I am frustrated that you appear so unhappy to every single person when I am telling everyone how happy I am with you.
No wait, LISTEN.
Frustrated that you were once so worried I would talk to the world and not you.
Frustrated that you are upset, choose not to talk to me no matter how much I ask and eventually turn around and blame me for not caring.

Please. Look whos doing what now.

I'm here wondering.

I am confident in this relationship.
I do want to work it out.
I do want to clear all your doubts and misunderstandings.
I do want to always hear you out and listen to all you have to say.
I want to sit right next to you and hold you within my arms, kiss you and whisper all the things I love about you.
I do want to tell the whole world I am in love with you. 

I love you for who you are. Both the bad and the awesome.

You and I have changed. So much.

Do I honestly mean anything to you?
 Recalling the words, not from months or years back, the words you said.
Just recalling the words you said a few days, be it 3 days.
I may be assuming but my assumption is, I don't mean much to you.

If I am wrong, correct me.

I want to put in all my efforts knowing the person appreciates it and wants to work with me to achieve the best of results. I want to work with YOU.

Right now its up to you, YOUR choice. if you want it as much as I want it to.
Cause it takes two hands to clap.
You and I. No one else. For us to make a result.
Reach the day we have been been hungering so badly for.

No more lies. No more hurt. Just trust and assurance.

Just seeing you before me, makes my heart melt. My frustrations melts away.
What is this. What sorcery is this.

I love this girl too much.

Leaving soon. Going to take a panadol and go.
Peace.

Its a pity how the pretty girl in the mirror sees nothing but exterior beauty.

That one girl standing proud, and tall,
smiles to herself with that million dollar smile.
She admires her face, her curves, her body.
There it is.
Her body of perfection, a temple.

She is no doubt, beautiful,
But yet, what many failed to see?
Was how beautiful she is in the inside.

That girl has a heart of gold.
Extremely kind and respectful.
She always placed others before her,
lowering her head with humbleness.

However, no one saw this.
Those bastards always overlooked her character.
What a waste.

No one knew how to appreciate someone like her.
Till one day she met someone.
Someone who saw more of her inside than the outside.

That someone showered her with love,
assurance to how one could never judge the book by its cover.

So...
Here we are. Back at the mirror.
There stands that girl,
standing proud and tall.
She sees nothing but perfection.
Note. Sees.
But still. What she failed to see?
Was how beautiful she was, to me.

So.. a quiz.

but most importantly, let me tell you something.
Watching this girl of mine describe and reenact all the different movie scenes and kisses from the movies stated below? IS ONE OF THE BEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE.
HHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAH.

Man am I proud to call her my baby ;)

I swear. We are one hell of a weird couple...

Still, results..

 

 (Whats your Makeout Style?)

Aggressive
You are aggressive. Your kisses are urgent and come with lots of tongue action, lip biting, and pressure. You're also extremely handsy, tugging hair, grabbing skin, and bordering on grope-y...in a good way! There's no room for guessing what you're after when you lock lips with someone!
14.6% of people that have taken this quiz have achieved this result.

Hmm.. not bad :P But then. Whats happening to me ):
HAH. Nothing better to do.

OKAY NO MORE DISTRACTIONS...

LIT PAPER TO FINISH.

PEACE!

Hello to you, fellow reader.

If you know me? You would be nodding away with agreement bout what I'm bout to type, if you don't? Nice to meet you.

Ruth Lee.
I am a pure joker, a weirdo, someone who can cracks the lamest jokes even when we are talking about the smallest of things such as.. perhaps, a dust particle floating amongst us! Yes, I am THAT sad as a person.

But still, apart from my joker ways, I am someone who is true to my words. Stand for what I believe in and do not, I repeat. DO NOT. Change my principles especially when it comes to behaviour, respect and relationships.

I am the kind of person who may be the cheesiest person when it comes to romance but will always do my best to be the perfect partner for the one I love so dearly.

I would always love you no matter what, kiss you with your breath smelling like garlic..
Hold all your snot tissues when you a horrible sinus condition every morning..
Give me you bad kisses just to disturb you and pull weird faces or do the most embarrassing things to see that genuine smile I love..

When you piss the shit hell out of me? It would take just a cute and adorable face to make me melt before I'm kissing you and holding you in my arms.
When you are late for a date, I'll be extremely pissed off at first but upon seeing you, it would all melt away immediately.
Do whatever I can to come down and be with you whenever you need me or feel upset.
Always have a soft spot for you.
Try to be as respectful and understanding as I can and super worried bout your welfare.
When you say something hurtful, it takes a sorry, promise and assurance for immediate forgiveness.
Etc.

Basically? I am that kind of person who would run across the whole country just to get one small thing for you.

Yeah. I may not be the most expressive person or the most romantic (cause it turns to cheese) or best looking person around, but when I give you my heart, I am trusting you not to break it and to hold it dearly as I would to yours.

I admit, I'm no perfect person. I have horrible mood swings. Lack sleep. May switch off once in a while and a super duper heavy sleeper. Not good looking. Don't have the best of brains. Extremely emotional and tend to cry alot. My pride. My bad habits. My lazy ass. My fuzzy hair that looks like a bird nest, over protectiveness (like GANGSTER STARE AT YOU, protective) ... and so much more.

But yes. I strive to be perfect for my partner.
I need my partner and my love to work with me, not against me. I need my partner not doing anything but just being there with me, hold my hand and agree to trust me and this whole thing. Just to stand by me and watch everything unfold. Become a fairytale.

Right now, today?
Out of all the things I could wish for?
For my partner, my love, to actually believe the words I say.
And never doubt me.

I love you baby. I love you dearly and with all my heart.
Till the day you finally see it, I'll be staying as strong as I can.
Just don't break what I gave you.

Ah.. Beauty and the Beast. One of my favourite Disney Movies.
True love between a beauty and the beast. It makes you think, how beautiful the world can be, how there are actually people who see the insides of an individual.
But yet, of course, alike the wilting rose, there will always be a limit, a time period.
The wilting rose symbolises the time left and how long such would actually last. How this period of "happiness" would last, who long they would live.
Nature.
There must always be death.

Its up to you to choose to appreciate what you have and what you've been blessed with.
Your own individual choice to listen and not let others make the decision for you.


Today stands as one of the most horrible mornings ever.

Lost a earring which I hold dearly to, green fungus growing on my last favourite muffin, whole body aching, bruises, aches, work.

I'm so tired and stressed out at the moment.
Man. This must explain all the white hair I'm growing.. Seriously.


My heart aches.
My prides tarnished.
My smiles gone.
My skins bruised.
My bones ache.
My hairs white.

I feel like dying.

No, I am not trying to sound emo.. But honestly. I just want to go into a slumber and never wake up. Not till the reason for which I smile, kisses me, holds me by the face and ruffles my hair.

Do I sound like some small girl dreaming and making childish exclaims for thy prince charming to find me somewhere in the woods? Nah...

Tuition soon and no where close to finishing my work. Ruth, at this rate you are going.
At the end of the day, not only would I NOT be surprised that your heart stops beating. But also, not being to reach the goals you are so supposedly confident about anymore.

I'm losing my confidence.

Since young, never have I ever once been a confident kid. So, thats not too surprising isn't it.
But somehow, right now, I feel not an ounce of confidence any longer but yet a mind filled with doubt and confusion.

Honestly, why the hell am I stuck here.
Nightmares from last night still haunts me..

Tuition teachers here, peace.

Come one come all! (Cue The hunchback of notre dame- Disney)
 Zello and welcome to my new blog, haha.

Yes I am infact, a sad person.
Wanted to start off the first post bout this.. and that.. and etc. But then, honestly?
Ain't exactly at the best of moods right now especially when my whole body aches like bloody hell (being so damn prone to shoulder aches), which isnt exactly making this any easier.. I could just bite someones head off right now.. >:(

Just so damn tired and conflicted in all ways round.
Sigh, but whatever it is, the "show" must go on?

Theres piles and piles of work, piling somemore, on my imaginary to do list. Thats not good..
Hence, despite saying this for the millionth, zillionth time... TODAY MARKS A NEW DAY!

Really gotta work those brain juices and actually do make use of them..
Just. Feeling so tired..

Right now? My heads filled with voices, conflict. Its as though my bloody brain waves aren't doing their normal "waves" but just somewhere in there doing the hustle or something. SERIOUSLY.
Just can't seem to think straight..
Wish I could be somewhere like that picture above.. Beautiful lighting, rain, nature, night.
It would be uh-mazin.

But for now, stuck within the four walls of this room.
My heart feels heavy and my whole body aches like hell.

You know whats the best remedy?
For Her, to be right next to me, just holding her my arms and accompany me to sleep.

You know that feeling when your heart skips a beat when you found out your parents got you a new puppy? Or when you drown yourself with music as the whole world becomes non-existent while you feel a pure sense of comfort and you feeling how all your insecurities are slowly being washed away? That feeling when you eat famous amos cookies and taste pure serenity and heaven, melting away in your mouth?

Okay okay, I may not be the best at the English language, but she alone? Gives me a million times of those feelings stated above.