Feeling the down-est of moods of the moment.

Mark today, 2nd October, as being a total ass. I take the blame and responsibility of such.

Today started off well and pretty alive in consideration of having bout bout 9 hours of sleep last night.

She asked me to be more affection and let go of all my frustration. To kiss her before we left. I couldn't, yet stood there being cold and stern as I replied with short responses and with a heavy heart.

And before leaving, I couldn't give her one proper kiss. Being in my school uni and every head turned towards me, I couldn't cause I knew for a fact, if I did, school issues would definitely surface. But still..

Yes, I am a jerk. And I can just sense the smses or words going,

"OMG. She's such a bitch, don't be with her....."
"OMG. You deserve SO MUCH better..."
" It just means blah blah blah, she doesn't love you, blah blah.."

Yeah yeah. I got it. Honestly, yes I may be an ass but I do have my reasons.
For one, everyone knows how I am and how I am hardly ever going to carry out such behaviour.

Just.
Imagine, you are about to sit for a major exam, getting back results which ain't exactly the best or even applicable to go into any University despite studying pretty hard in certain subjects.

She tells me her problems, I do my best to address them, of course.

But then, its not as though she doesn't trust me, or doesn't believe in us, but feels upset due to reasons which I can definitely relate to and of course, understandable about. But somehow, no matter what I do, it seems as though it will never be enough.

Not only am I beginning to feel frustrated from having to address such an issue, but also the thought of how, of even the slightest possibility, can someone feel stressed during their holidays. Perhaps she's worried for me. Hence, I cannot blame her and knowing how much she cares, I can't. But just, it begins to become frustrating.
Additionally, adding on? The constant burden upon my shoulders everyday when I wake up, my stupid regrets which I am pushing away bout not going to poly when I talk to my friends who went from jc to poly, that fear of not being able to do well enough and settling things with my parents.

And somehow, even if I push everything away, the words I heard makes me start to wonder.
Call me idioitic and irrational.
But why are you still standing here next to me.
This burden is definitely gonna last. Let alone months, years in the future.

Wouldn't you prefer someone with better financial power? More time? More affectionate? Someone who has similar thoughts as you, preferences - time / beliefs / all you want.
Then I think, be it with or without someone else, judging the long queue waiting for you.
Why are you being with this "thing" no one can ever take seriously.

You can tell me you love me, that you always want. But knowing how you and I are. I can't seem to let this frustration go just at a snap of one's fingers.

I'm so frustrated and with this pent up sadness and fear, I don't know how to respond, react. Cause somehow, somewhere inside of me seems so fixed and confident that you wouldn't have to endure all of this if not for me. The stupid clashing in timetables, seeing one another, rules - strict etc.

Yes, being this hard and "tough" facade is me feeling extremely insecure and fearful that one day you would feel perhaps bored or just walk away.
Still. I stand firm about what I said above.

Feeling extremely lost and upset and don't know what else to say.

Closing my eyes? I feel a black storm cloud floating above my head while my heart feels so heavy.

--

Sigh. Need to get all of that out of my chest and just "penned" down.

Please award me with the most idiotic person of the year right now. Or something, I don't know.

Really need to start work and focusing but can't seem too.
And to add salt to the wound, hear my parents quarreling extremely badly downstairs. Feeling alot of fear especially without my sister not in the house anymore.

Hearing loud screamings and throwing of things. I don't know what to do.
Just switched off the lights and just hope all of this would fade away. Just eventually fade away.